The Long Walk
by Prisoner 24601
Summary: A series of Jacob oneshots written for various community prompts.  Chapter two written for the Secret Santa LJ gift exchange.  Still grieving Miranda's death, an unexpected package and an argument between EDI and Joker help pull Jacob out of his brooding.
1. Chapter 1

This was written for skybound2's Mass Effect ficathon exchange. The story was for metaraymek's fantastic prompt:

_Kelly Chambers is the ship's counselor, but we really don't get to see her actually being that. In a sort of 'day in the limelight'/'slice of life' sort of story, we see Kelly having a one-on-one/heart-to-heart with one of the crewmates and she handles their problems like a counselor would. Because let's face it... Shepard can't always solve everyone's problems._

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_**The Long Walk**_

With resentment burning in his gut, Jacob took a seat in front of the makeshift desk sandwiched between the crates of parts that were now crammed into the Starboard Observation Deck. All traces of Kasumi were gone, the thief having disappeared just hours after the_ Normandy_ limped into Omega's port.

Kelly watched him intently from the other side, hands folded neatly in front of her. A muscle in Jacob's jaw twitched from the effort of holding his irritation in check, but there was no need to chew out a woman who was just trying to do her job.

Her green eyes creased with obvious concern. "I'm glad you made it. For a moment there, I thought I was going to have to hunt you down."

"Shepard told me that if I didn't get my ass moving, she was going to kick it down here." He threw his hands wide. "So here I am."

She nodded. "I'm not surprised. Most soldiers I've encountered see psychological evaluations as a waste of time."

"Damn straight." He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in a chair that creaked under the bulk of his muscle.

"It's standard operating procedure after missions with fatalities."

"_Right_," he drawled. "Because Shepard cares so much about standard operating procedures and following the regs of an organization that none of us belong to anymore."

"She thought it was necessary after the trauma of the mission. Most of _Normandy's_ crew will be getting psychological evaluations."

Jacob scoffed, not buying it for a second. "Yeah? What about Vakarian? Or Jack or Zaeed or Samara or anyone else on the ground team? They getting one too?"

Kelly paused for a moment before answering. "That hasn't been determined yet."

"Yeah. That's what I thought. Shepard ordered this just for me because she wants to know if I'm going to lose it. Well I'm not. I'm a soldier and I'll deal." He stood and rolled his shoulders. "So we done now?"

Kelly's tone was neutral, but firm and the part of him that wasn't irritated respected that she didn't back down or lose her cool. "No. We're not done now." She gestured to the now empty chair in front of her. "Please take a seat, Jacob."

Kelly waited in silence. Jacob's hands clenched. But orders were orders, even bullshit ones.

He dropped back into his seat, crossing his arms again. "Fine. Let's get this done."

"Okay." She folded her hands back in front of her. "How have you been feeling the last few days?"

The stupidity of the question rankled. "Well, damn, Kelly. I don't know," he snapped. "My girlfriend was carried away by a seeker swarm. How do you think I've been feeling?"

She looked back at him with that same concerned gaze, completely unfazed by his angry sarcasm. "Anxious? Depressed? Numb? Guilty?"

That last one hit too close to the mark. Best not to go there.

"Pissed off," he said. "Very, very pissed off."

"In general? Or at anyone in particular?"

Again too close to the knot of self loathing that had been eating at his guts for days.

"At the shit situation. We all knew the risks going in, but no one deserves to die like that, especially not Miri."

Kelly tapped her finger against the glowing console on her desk. "I read Shepard's report. She claims responsibility for Miranda's death."

Jacob scowled. "Does she now?"

"Yes."

Fury, white hot, seared through him. He sat up, ramrod straight in his chair. "That's _bullshit_!"

Red brows rose over green eyes. "Is it? Commander Shepard chose the squads and ordered you to make the biotic field. She could have chosen another specialist."

Jacob leaned forward, jerking his thumb towards his chest, unable to keep all of the guilt and fury that had been festering for days from his voice. "There's only one person responsible and that's _me_. I'm the one who wasn't strong enough and dropped the biotic field." Jacob knew would carry to his grave the terrified look on Miranda's face when those things swarmed over her or the sounds of her screams as she was carried away. "I should have known my limitations, listened to my instincts and objected to Shepard's order, but I thought I could handle it. _I_ fucked up."

Kelly looked at him with a compassionate, non-judgmental gaze that made him want to put his fist through the wall. "Why do you think you didn't object to her order, Jacob?"

He squared his shoulders. "Because I'm a soldier."

"I believe your conditioning is a large part of it, yes. But I also think it's because she's _Commander Shepard_. She pushes her crew to achieve the impossible, and because she is who she is, we all try to live up to what she asks."

He digested her words in silence for a few moments. It was an accurate assessment of what he'd seen from almost everyone on the crew over the last six months or so, although he'd never quite looked at it that way.

"So you think I should blame Shepard instead of myself?" Jacob's eyes narrowed as he spoke, the words tasting like a bitter cop out.

"I'm saying that sometimes what she asks of us really _is_ impossible. Even the most competent and skilled people make mistakes, including Shepard who doesn't live up to her own legendary reputation all of the time either. She makes errors in judgment occasionally, just like the rest of us."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better that Miri's dead?"

Kelly shook her head. "I'm not here to tell you how you should feel, Jacob."

"Then what are you here for?"

"For one thing, I'm here to offer the perspective of someone who wasn't involved in the decision making process. There's no way of knowing if her choice was a mistake. Even if she'd picked another operative, there's no guarantee they would have done any better."

That was untrue. He'd analyzed the situation in the many sleepless hours since the end of the mission. "Jack and Samara are stronger biotics. They would have been able to hold the field longer. Maybe long enough to get everyone through."

"Maybe. Maybe not. Both you and the Commander are second guessing your decisions with information gained by hindsight, and both of you have been soldiers long enough to know better."

The truth in her words hung between them. Jacob stared out the observation window in silence and watched the stars streak slowly past. After awhile he met her gaze again.

"It's one thing to know that here," he said as he tapped his temple. "And another to accept that here." His fist hit his chest with a thump.

Kelly's compassion was plain on her face. "No one is expecting that from you right now. Anger and grief and pain are natural when you lose someone you love. After the trauma you've experienced, your feelings are completely normal. It will take some time for you to come to terms with it."

He rubbed his jaw, feeling all of the fatigue the last few days of sleepless nights had brought. "So what now? I get benched until I start feeling warm fuzzies again?"

Kelly shook her head. "That's up to Shepard, but my recommendation is that you be cleared for active duty."

Jacob let out a relieved and grateful sigh. He didn't know what he would have done if he'd been sidelined.

Kelly held up one finger. "But, on one condition." She punched the controls of her console, typing as she spoke. "EDI reports that you haven't slept in the last seventy two hours, so I'm going to ask Dr. Chakwas prescribe a sleep aid." At his grimace, she continued. "Lack of sleep will be detrimental to your duties."

Broad shoulders bobbed up and down in a shrug. "Fair enough. Any other strings?"

"That's it for now. Although I would strongly encourage you to consider grief counseling."

"Yeah, okay," Jacob said, rolling his shoulders as he rose.

Kelly sighed, "Which of course you won't take me up on."

"No way in hell," Jacob agreed. He paused as he looked down and added. "But I appreciate the offer."

She stood and walked him to the door. "If you change your mind, I'm always available."

"Good to know you've got my back, Chambers," he said, surprising himself by actually meaning it.

Kelly accepted his words with a nod and a concerned look that wasn't as irritating as before, and Jacob strode out of her makeshift office under the weight of her gaze until the door slid shut behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

This oneshot was written for the Secret Santa gift exchange on the Mass Effect live journal comm.

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Jacob frowned at the console in front of him, coiled muscles tense as he scanned the tedious facts and figures of the _Normandy's_ complex expense reports. When Shepard announced his promotion to XO, pride had been his first reaction, followed by suspicion that this was somehow a consolation prize or social worker distraction to keep him from brooding too hard about Miranda's death. But the more immersed he got into the daily routine of his new duties, which seemed to include a daunting amount of paper shuffling, he genuinely started to wonder if she'd given him the promotion because he pissed her off somehow.

With a flick of his fingers, he switched off the console, fed up with trying to make sense out of the streams of numbers for one day. Besides, Miranda had left everything in precise order so there wasn't much that he needed to do at the moment but familiarize himself with the process and wish like hell he was back in the armory where he belonged.

He stood and stretched, doing his best not to look at the stark and empty XO's office. Miranda's things had been cleared out a week before by Shepard herself, most of which had been put in storage or sent to Oriana. Jacob had kept only a few mementos for himself. His own belongings sat in a crate by the door, as he hadn't been quite able to bring himself to unpack just yet.

Just looking at the damned crate made the ache made in his chest tighten more. The room seemed to grow stuffy. Feeling the need to be elsewhere, at least for awhile, he grabbed the package that had come in today along with a load of repair parts and headed for the door. As he walked past the mess hall he could hear Rupert barking out orders to get ready for the Christmas dinner he was cooking for the crew. Jacob shouldered through the mayhem, not quite ready to face the relentless assault of holiday cheer and boarded the elevator before he was roped into helping.

Joker's voice drifted down the corridor as Jacob approached the cockpit. "Aw, come on, EDI. It'll be funny."

"Changing my voice modulator to resemble a fictional Earth holiday character would create confusion and chaos with the crew."

"Whatever. Everyone loves Santa Claus."

"It is unlikely that the non human members of the crew will appreciate the reference."

"Which makes it even funnier!"

"No, Jeff."

"Then what about those annoying little singing chipmunks? That would be _awesome_."

Jacob actually groaned as he stopped short behind Joker's leather chair. But before he could shut Joker down, EDI responded first. "The tone of my voice modulator were carefully programmed to cause the least annoyance with the human crew. To change it to be deliberately provocative would be completely counterproductive."

"But funny," Joker insisted.

"You're right," Jacob agreed. "It would be damn funny to watch Shepard get bombarded with complaints from the crew that just got finished working double shifts to repair the reaper damage. I definitely want to be there when she comes to kick your ass."

Joker's leather chair swiveled around so the pilot could glare at the new XO. "You two suck, you know that?"

Jacob snorted and tossed him the package. "Cheer up. This came today for you."

The remark was a sarcastic one, but oddly enough the package did seem to make the pilot happy. Pure glee made the pilot's voice rise. "Sweet! They're finally here."

It was not the reaction Jacob was expecting for something he thought must be specialized repair parts. Jacob frowned and crossed arms over his chest. "Must be important considering how much it cost to ship here."

"Yeah, yeah. Real important." He opened the latches on the side and revealed the contents. "See? How kick ass is _that_?"

Now it was Jacob's turn to scowl at the little multicolored bulbs connected by a cord. "Christmas lights? You charged five thousand credits to the Normandy's expense accounts for Christmas lights?"

"It's not like they have them here on Omega. I had to have them shipped all the way from Eden Prime."

Jacob sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "How the hell did you get the okay for this?"

Joker stood on his wobbly legs and began to pull the lights out of the box, looking around the cockpit like he was actually going to string the damn things up in plain sight. This was confirmed by his next words.

"I told Miranda that I needed to add some auxiliary lighting on deck. I just didn't tell her that it going to be going to be Christmas lights." He frowned for a minute around the room before his gaze landed on the banisters that flanked his chair. "Ooh. Let's put some here."

In his mind, Jacob could see Miranda's place her hand on one hip, arch an eyebrow and hear the irritated exasperation in her voice had she lived long enough to discover what the pilot had done. Once again, the ache in his chest tightened, but his attention was brought back to Joker who was starting to string the lights along the rail to the sound of EDI's continued objection.

"It is against Cerberus regulations to have devices that will distract from the operation of this vessel."

"I'm just personalizing my workspace. Besides, we don't work for Cerberus anymore."

"But we do work for Shepard," Jacob pointed out. "What are you going to do when she finds out?"

Joker shrugged and limped over to the other railing. "She'll be pissed. But they're Christmas lights. Everyone likes Christmas lights." He smirked. "Especially the ladies."

Jacob's brows shot skyward as he drawled, "Right."

"It's true. I had a friend once. Ash could take out a squad of Geth without breaking a sweat, but damn if she didn't love Christmas lights." Joker paused in stringing the lights for a moment, his smirk vanishing into a smile both sad and sweet. It took Jacob a few seconds to process exactly who Joker was talking about. He'd read the reports of Ashley William's death on Virmire, but had no idea that the gunnery chief and pilot were close.

A matching expression crossed Jacob's face as he took in the twinkling lights. Finally he cleared his throat and said, "You might be right. I think Miranda would have been pissed for awhile, but she would have come around."

Their gazes met and a silent nod was exchanged before Joker said, "Exactly. Shepard will like them too, although she'll scowl and bitch at first."

"What about EDI? She doesn't seem to like them."

"Untrue, Mr. Taylor. I am simply concerned about safety issues. But I do find them pleasing to my optics."

Joker's smirk returned as he jerked his thumb at EDI's glowing holographic interface. "You hear that? Even mom here thinks they're pretty. Now come on, are you going to help me string the rest of these up or not?"

With a shake of his head, Jacob gave in, digging into the box of lights. "Yeah, alright."

"It's about damn time you made yourself useful. And while you're at it, tell EDI to change the ship's running lights to red and green."

EDI's expected objection followed. "That would be most impractical, Jeff…"

As the pilot and AI continued to bicker, Jacob listened in silence, the ache in his chest easing a bit for the first time in weeks underneath the twinkling lights.


End file.
